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Dag engerd

Verschenen in de Volkskrant, 4 augustus 2016

Zoals meer generatiegenoten met een mooie toekomst achter zich ben ik aan het afbouwen. Mijn verschijning houd ik zoveel mogelijk intact –het kost een paar centen maar dan heb ik in ieder geval mezelf nog-; mijn spullen laat ik los.

Loslaten, lees de vrouwenbladen er maar op na, is de boodschap voor de hedendaagse mens, zeker op een bepaalde leeftijd. Dus zet ik de beuk in mijn bezittingen. Want als ik die, zoals ooit Judith de Leeuw deed in haar documentaire ‘Overal Spullen’ naast elkaar zou neerleggen, was mijn huis te klein.

Mocht ik ‘onder de tram komen’, (de trein is blijkbaar voor zelfmoordenaars), beschoten worden door een terrorist of anderszins onverhoeds de pijp uitgaan, dan moet de boel op orde zijn. En ook als ik nog even mag blijven leven maar op een te laag pitje om de handen uit de mouwen te kunnen steken, dient alle rompslomp te zijn uitgedund.

Daardoor bekijk ik de laatste tijd die spullen met een ander oog: dat van mijn zonen (om maar te zwijgen van dat van hun vrouwen): Ach God, wat een troep had dat mens om zich heen verzameld! Die kleren, schoenen en make-upartikelen die allemaal op elkaar lijken. Die zielige cd’s en dvd’s, videobanden!

Medelijden en ergernis zouden om de voorrang strijden. En hopelijk enige vertedering. (krulspelden, kindertandjes, fotoalbums)

Maar wat doe ik met de gedichten die ik op mijn vijftiende schreef, met die dure lingerie,   compromitterende post? Het is niet de bedoeling dat mijn nageslacht op een brief stuit met ‘lief kutje’ erboven. Was het de aanhef van een van hun vaders epistels, alla, maar er waren meer mannen in mijn leven die me wilden laten weten wat ik (en mijn toen nog kostbare kleinood) voor hen betekende.

En wat moeten mijn arme veertigers met die envelop met in woeste letters ‘narigheid’ er op? In een bepaalde periode van mijn veelbewogen leven werd mijn brievenbus niet alleen belaagd door fanmail (waarin zo’n briefschrijver onmiddellijk over zichzelf losbarstte) maar ook door haatpost. Vooral nadat ik, door neurotische partnerkeuze gedreven, me door een topman aan de haak liet slaan, terwijl zijn vorige vis nog rondspartelde in zijn emmertje. Nog steeds verdenk ik mijn voorgangster van een kaart waarop mijn foto wordt doorkliefd door een zwart kruis. Ook de tekst ernaast liegt er niet om:‘Dag engerd!’

Maar de meeste ruimte nemen die stoffige boeken in beslag, lukraak op een rij in een overvolle kast. Wie heeft straks nog interesse in‘Little Women’ van Louise M. Alcott, de werken van F.B. Hotz en Het Volkomen huwelijk van Th.H. van de Velde?

Omdat Bol.com teveel gedoe is, vervoeg ik me bij een bekend boekenpaleis waar je op de tweedehandsafdeling -vOOr enen!- je uitgelezen boeken kwijt kunt. Het is even doorbijten want achter de balie staan vaak manspersoontjes die hun nederige functie opkalefateren door middel van machtsvertoon: ‘Wat bent u laat!’ (Als het pas kwart over twaalf is.)

Kromp ik vroeger van woede ineen, tegenwoordig lach ik zo’n bediende vriendelijk toe: ‘Wat een hartelijke welkomstgroet!’

Loslaten is de boodschap. Maar je zelf zo lang mogelijk behouden.


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